3GenFamily Blog

By CK Wilde for 3GenFamily Blog

My sophomore in high school has the dreaded “Zero Period” this year.

Normally, first period classes start at 8:05 a.m. A few years ago, the school district was juggling the multiple problems of increasing student enrollment, lack of space in each classroom to accommodate more students, and lack of land and funding to build new classrooms. So the “Zero Period” was born.

Adding an extra period to the day, starting at 7:10 a.m., allowed the high school to add extra classes without cutting the afternoon athletics program. But, many students, ours included, dread getting assigned to a Zero Period class.

I’m the “morning person” in our family so I get up a bit earlier than our son, make tea, glance at email and check that our high school student is up before I leap in the shower. Within 30 minutes, we head out the door headed for the high school. (Our youngest doesn’t drive and there are no buses from our part of town.)

Since Zero Period has become part of our schedule,  I’m getting up about 30 minutes earlier to get our son to school one hour earlier. No, this isn’t a mistake. I was already getting up 30 minutes before my son. Now we get up at the same time (5:30 a.m.). And I pared down my morning routine to get out the door quicker.

Once I drop him off, it’s off to work for me — an hour earlier. It has taken a few weeks to optimize our routine but I am accomplishing more than before and loving it. I have gained an extra hour of productivity.

The Price Of That Extra Hour

That extra hour comes with a price, though. We absolutely need to get to sleep by 10:30 p.m. at the latest. Without enough sleep, that extra hour just isn’t as productive. When my son sleepily forgot to set the timer for the breakfast oatmeal on the stove, the smell of burnt oatmeal lingered in the house for a day.

But, it could have been much worse.

Beside poor learning and memory which limits your ability to get your job done, sleepiness is a major cause of car accidents and work accidents, contributes to weight gain and impairs immunity. Our bodies need sleep.

While there are human dynamos who thrive on 3 or 4 hours of sleep, most of us need 7 to 8 hours each night. The simplest way to assure that you get enough sleep is to go to bed earlier.  If you are used to staying up late, it takes some adjustment.

I focused on three changes for our family: getting dinner earlier, limiting evening meetings and breaking away from my computer at least a half hour before bed time.

During the week, I now focus on making quick meals and using leftovers creatively. That gets dinner on the table by 7 p.m. which keeps us on schedule to get to bed by 10 p.m.  Both my husband and I try to be selective about attending evening meetings. There are some we just can’t miss but we skip the optional ones.

When they were little, we developed a bedtime ritual for our boys to encourage good sleep habits. I updated this ritual to accommodate our current situation and focused on turning off my computer a half hour or more before bed. Yoga stretches are part of my “wind down” during that last 30 minutes.

But, what if you or your child is not sleepy?

Get to bed anyway.  It’s important to create a habit of getting to bed at a certain time so your body will naturally get sleepy at that time.

Listen to relaxing music or read an enjoyable book. When our sons were little, we listened to soothing voices reading stories on audio tape. Sweet Dreams narrated by Jim Weiss was a particular favorite.

There are entire collections of wonderfully told tales for varying age ranges within a family.  (They make great gifts, too.) Don’t turn on the TV.  It may be relaxing to watch a favorite show but you can get caught watching late into the night if you aren’t careful.

Other Tricks For Dozing Off Fast

• Get exercise - earlier in the day is better than in the evening.
• Use a worry notebook - Keep a pad of paper and a pen next to your bed. Jot down items that are worrying you and then let them go. Your subconscious will continue to work on your problems while you sleep. You may just wake up with the perfect solution.
• Limit alcohol to a glass of wine with dinner and remember to drink a glass of water along with every glass of wine. Too much alcohol raises your body temperature causing you to waken too soon.
• Limit caffeine drinks after 4 p.m. Don’t forget that many soft drinks and energy drinks contain this stimulant along with coffee, cocoa and tea.
• Eat foods with melatonin - Melatonin is a hormone produced by the human body which is responsible for our natural sleep rhythms. It is also a powerful antioxidant with anti-aging properties. Levels of melatonin within our bodies begin decreasing from age 30 onward. This may explain why so many older people (my Dad included) have problems sleeping. Researchers in the UK and Spain believe that foods containing melatonin are the perfect solution to the problems of aging. Foods that contain melatonin include: tart cherries, almonds, sunflower seeds, black mustard seeds, white mustard seeds, anise seeds, fennel seeds,  tomato, banana, rice, corn, oats, red radish, ginger and several medicinal herbs including: St. John’s wort, feverfew, lemon verbena and lemon balm mint. You can eat these foods throughout the day, not just at bedtime.

It takes work to adjust your family’s schedule to get to sleep earlier but it’s worth it.

How much more could you accomplish with an extra hour a day?

© 2008 CK Wilde. All Rights Reserved. Please feel free to link to this post but you must have prior written permission to reproduce this post either whole or in part. Please use the comments to request permission.

By CK Wilde for 3GenFamily Blog

In May 1989, I unknowingly became a combatant in the Mommy Wars. Having had a successful career before my first son was born, I anticipated returning to work some way or another.

Within a few months of giving birth, I was ready. (Ok I’ll admit it — I wanted a break from the seemingly endless diaper changes.) The Fortune 500 company I worked for prior to becoming a Mommy closed our office while I was in the early stages of my pregnancy.  So I experimented with other opportunities in the same industry.

That’s when I discovered the trials and tribulations of arranging adequate care for my baby. Nannies and babysitters came and went. An opening at a well run center with care for an 18 month old had me euphoric. I thought all of my day care problems were over.

Until my baby got sick, that is.

Then, he had to stay home — with me. My husband’s work situation as a software contractor didn’t offer any benefits like leave to care for a sick child. I though I had planned for any problem. So much for Plan A and Plan B.

As I bounced back and forth between work and home, I became aware of a ferocious debate happening on school playgrounds between Stay-at-Home Moms (SAHM) and Working Moms (WM). Each was trying to justify their choices in raising their children. The Mommy Wars.

And I was a card carrying member of the WM club. My son was being well cared for at the day care center. He seemed to be thriving. Then, one rainy October day, my son came home from the center chattering about a superstitious belief. It was innocent enough. But that was when it hit me.

Bam!

In a split second, I flashed on a different reality. My son would grow up with someone else’s values unless I made time to teach him our family’s values.

That was the day my career goals changed.

It was a tough decision. Just staying home with our son, might have dealt a huge blow to my future. Having been divorced, I was painfully aware that relationships can change over time. Accidents happen. How would I support myself and my child if I needed to?

And on a more personal level, how could I be true to myself? I loved working.

It was impossible for me to sacrifice everything to become a SAHM. The stakes were too high.

So with planning and cooperation from my spouse, we moved to a better school district and I became a Work-at-Home Mom. Looking back on the past 18 years, that turned out to be a terrific choice for my children (second son born in 1993) and for me.

Choice - Sarah Palin has launched a firestorm of commentary in the Mommy Wars over her choices. Palin has young children, the youngest, just an infant, born with Down’s Syndrome. Some women cheer her on. Others ask who really is taking care of her children? Why does Palin want to take away others’ right to choose?

The salary of the Vice President of the United States is $221,000 for 2008. (Too bad Palin didn’t spend some quality time with Wikipedia before she asked that naive question on camera about the Vice President’s role.) Even with the high cost of living in Washington, D.C., the Palin family will be able to afford quality care and schools.

Historically, the Vice President’s role was rather limited, mostly ceremonial. Recent Vice Presidents have expanded the role into an active member of the President’s Cabinet. Certainly, if Palin chooses to take an active role, her husband can stay home to be the emotional anchor for the family. Maybe. I have known husbands who successfully did just that. It take a lot of courage to buck the norm.

My heart aches for the Palin’s eldest daughter who has become the poster child for “abstinence doesn’t work.” I don’t see her as a bad or willful child. I see her as a child who grew up with someone else’s values or, worse, no one’s values.

Every day I encounter teens who do have their family’s values. Many of their parents work. It’s just that these parents made a point to spend time with their children, talk to them and answer their deepest questions when they arose. Teachable moments happen at random times over 17 or 18 years. The only way to assure that you have them is to spend time with your children regularly.

The needy kids who haven’t gotten enough attention are easy to spot. They’re usually the troublemakers or the ones in trouble.

The Palin family has made pronouncements that they will stand behind their daughter as she lives with her “choice” to have the baby. She is lucky young woman. It is far more common in America for an unwed teen to be forced into poverty and then struggle for years to climb out. Which is why maintaining the right to choose is so important.

Abstinence appears to be an exceedingly difficult value to pass on to our children. Perhaps this is because it runs counter to the biological imperative wired into each and every human being. Like trying to prevent people from sneezing. While it might make good sense from a public health perspective, it’s exceedingly difficult to achieve. Just imaging not catching colds and flu from the person sitting next to you on the plane, train or bus. A healthier world!

Have you noticed that Michele Obama is not out actively campaigning? She told an interviewer that she would be sticking close to home to assure that her girls got a good start to the school year. Her family is her highest priority.  This is how it should be. Far too soon, those lovely Obama girls will be women. The teachable moments will be gone.

Hmm, which is the “real” family values candidate?

© 2008 CK Wilde. All Rights Reserved. Please feel free to link to this post but you must have prior written permission to reproduce this post either whole or in part. Please use the comments to request permission.

By CK Wilde for 3GenFamily Blog

Do you worry?

I know I do.

Caregivers often encounter unexpected crises and need to make complex medical decisions on a moment’s notice for the loved ones under our care. Difficult questions can continue to weigh on you when you most need to rest. Your mind keeps wandering back to a jungle of gloom and doom.

I was having one of those less than perfect days recently, so I sat down for a quick cup of tea. What I needed was something to lift my spirits.

Leafing through the day’s newspaper looking for anything that would inspire me or make me laugh, I came across a very brief article about ways to stay upbeat when you may not feel so positive.

The first comment by Matthew Ferry, a life coach, startled me.

Realize that your mind’s job is to keep you safe, not happy.

In other words, your mind naturally looks for things that could go wrong so that you can protect yourself.  All this time, I had been thinking that there was something wrong with me for worrying.

It turns out that I’m not alone.  Everyone needs to control their thoughts to remain positive.

Here are some tips and techniques that I have gathered over the past few years to help a caregiver with little time and lots of responsibilities stay on the sunny side of the street.

1. Make time for activities that give you enjoyment. Even a few minutes to enjoy a cup of tea or take a brisk walk can rejuvenate you. But, be careful about reading the newspaper or watching TV. Too much of today’s news fuels anxiety.

2. When you are feeling tense or fearful, stop and take a deep breath and exhale slowly. Are you clenching your jaw or squeezing your shoulders? Breathe slowly a few more times to relax.

3. Do you have a fear lurking in the corner of your mind that you keep trying to push down but it keeps coming back?

I have lived a long life and had many troubles, most of which never happened. — Mark Twain

Recognize that many of your fears are unfounded. We scare ourselves by imagining negative outcomes that will never happen.

There are many techniques for overcoming fear. One of my favorites is to imagine I’m holding a large chalkboard eraser. I stretch my arm up to the top of the image in my mind and begin to mentally sweep back and forth with my arm as if I was erasing chalk from the board. (Use a white board if that’s more familiar to you.)

In my mind’s eye, I watch the negative image disappear.  My negative feelings also begin to slide away. By the time I am done erasing the image, my tight stomach is gone.

Then, construct a positive image to replace the fear.

If I’m worried about another person’s reaction, I visualize that person reacting positively to what I have just told them. We work out any differences and part company, happy that each of our needs were met.

Another approach is to remember a time that you triumphed in the face of fear.

New experiences always feel a little scary. By remembering how you managed to get past your fear and succeed the last time, you set the stage to do it again. Feel that glow of triumph again. You CAN do whatever it is you have to do.

4. Sometimes a fear or worry won’t go away.

Roger Callahan, Ph.D. (Clinical Psychology, Syracuse Univeristy)  came up with a amazingly fast method for anyone to rid themselves of fears. In Tapping the Healer Within : Using Thought-Field Therapy to Instantly Conquer Your Fears, Anxieties, and Emotional Distress,  Callahan describes his method of combining light tapping of several acupressure points with expressing thoughts about an emotion to release it permanently.

Callahan’s technique has been acknowledged by a number of highly regarded professionals (Jack Canfield, Deepak Chopra, Joe Vitale) for its effectiveness. Another name for it is Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). And, the technique can be used for pain and disease management, too. It is easy to do anywhere.

5. Practice gratitude every day. Make a list of 10 (or more!) things in your life for which you are grateful. They can be people like your family, things like your car or personal attributes like being in good health.  Review this list first thing in the morning and right before bed. The law of attraction dictates that we get more of whatever we focus our minds on. By counting our blessings each morning and evening, we set the stage to receive even more. If you only have time to try one of these tips, try this one for a week. You will notice a happy difference.

Do you have a mental wellness tip not mentioned here? Please leave a comment to share it with others.

Oh, and thanks for taking the time out of your busy day to read this post!

© 2008 CK Wilde. All Rights Reserved. Please feel free to link to this post but you must have prior written permission to reproduce this post either whole or in part. Please use the comments to request permission.

By CK Wilde for 3GenFamily Blog

Our trip to the airport on Saturday to send our eldest son back to college for his second year was so much easier than last year.  Just  12 short months ago, our firstborn was departing for his first year of college (see Sending a Son to College - I Didn’t Know It Would Be Painful!).

There was so much uncertainty when he started his Freshman year at an Eastern university:

• Did he have everything he needed in the way of clothing and stuff for his room?
• How much money does a college student need during the school year?
• Did our son really need the meningitis vaccine?
• Would he adapt to a different cultural environment and the change in weather?
• Did he choose the right college?

Waiting in line at San Jose airport to check his luggage, I had a chance to watch the college freshmen and their families repeat the teary-eyed departure that we lived just one year ago. How I empathized with them!

One young woman was frantically trying to shift enough clothing from her checked bag to her carry on. The checked bag weighed 57 pounds. She had to get the overweight bag to 50 pounds to meet the airline’s requirements. Her flight was set to depart in 45 minutes. And, there was still the long walk through the security line before she could get to her plane.

Watching the activity all around me, I realized that we have learned a number of lessons after surviving the first year of college:

College Survival Lesson 1: Ship as much of your student’s belongings to the college ahead of time. I got this tip at a party from a father of a second year student who paid exorbitant fees on overweight luggage her first year.  FedEx Ground is actually slightly cheaper than UPS from California to Rhode Island. What used to be Kinko’s is now FedEx Office. They can help you get your boxes of stuff where they need to go. And, there are open late.  Remember to allow enough advance time to ship. It takes about 4-7 days to get packages from here to there.

College Survival Lesson 2: Residence Hall Linens turned out to be a time saver. I ignored the first flyer because I didn’t know who they were. When the second one came in from my son’s college, I read through it more carefully. We ordered a smaller package of sheets and towels shipped to our home so that I could launder them before the start of school. I was pleasantly surprised at the quality. And they are guaranteed to last all four years! They still look good after the first year.

College Survival Lesson 3: Unless you live within a couple hours driving distance of the college, buy or rent your mini-fridge and other big items there. But, remember that any bulky item you buy will have to be stored over the summer. Buy only absolute essentials. Coordinate with roommates about furnishings. Most dorm rooms are very small.

College Survival Lesson 4: Will the budget amount for personal expenses estimated by the college financial aid office last both semesters?  Maybe. As our son’s plane took off last year, I worried that the budget of $3600 might be wrong. How expensive would books be? Did we forget to anticipate anything? How would our son manage his money?

It turns out that our son did an great job of holding down expenses. He spent $3300 on books and personal expenses (not counting room and board). The biggest difference from the college prepared budget was travel costs. Driving 3000 miles for holidays was not really an option. Plane flights, including an extra trip at Thanksgiving, cost $1200. The school budgeted $800 for travel.  Our son managed to save money on text books by sharing a few with another friend in the same classes and buying used books ($850 actual vs $1230 estimated). His personal expenses totaled $1350 actual vs. $1590 estimated. He resisted the temptation to eat out rather than at the college cafeteria. We were relieved to know that our son is quite good at conserving his cash.

College Survival Lesson 5: If your daughter or son has not lived away from home before, expect some homesickness the first semester. I visited our son during Parents’ Weekend in October because he seemed so lonely those first weeks. He paid the plane fare to come for Thanksgiving because he didn’t want to be alone in the dorm (most students live within driving distance) on the holiday. In addition to communicating by phone, Facebook and cards, consider sending care packages.  You can order a package from any of the floral websites and from specialty companies. Search “College Student Care Packages” to find a long list of companies that will ship your student’s favorite munchies. Because our eldest has food allergies, I packed my own with non-perishable items like food bars, chai tea, almonds, pistachios, dried cherries and cranberries. I shipped vitamins periodically, too.

College Survival Lesson 6: Bottled water is costly for a college student. Tap water often tastes bad, not to mention the latest reports showing all sorts of drugs coming out of the tap. But, everyone needs to drink water. The simple solutions is to buy a water purifying pitcher. All your son or daughter needs to do is soak and rinse the filter, put it in the pitcher, pour in cold tap water and wait for the better tasting filtered water to trickle through to the bottom.  I tested several brands and settled on a PUR pitcher and filter.

College Survival Lesson 7: I have very mixed feelings about all of the immunizations that are required for children and young adults. Was the expensive meningitis vaccine really necessary? Yes. My research indicated that college freshmen are at a much higher risk of getting meningitis. Some strains are contagious — spread through sneezing, coughing, kissing, or sharing drinking glasses.  Antibiotics work on this disease IF it is diagnosed early and treatment is begun very rapidly.  The reality of college freshman life is that most students stay up very late, eat at odd times, are stressed to the max adjusting to the new environment and may not recognize that they are much sicker than just having the flu. And, sadly, delays in treating meningitis can be deadly. This is one immunization that your son or daughter should not miss.

College Survival Lesson 8: I grew up in the East but my son is all Californian. My pleas to shop for winter clothes were ignored. My son was convinced that he would be warm enough by layering the clothes he already owned.  The protective mother in me wanted to scold him into submission. I resisted the urge, allowing him to have his own way. The late October rain in New England was cold, cold, cold. The long walks from his dorm at the far end of campus to class convinced him that I was right about buying winter clothing. Fortunately, we were able to buy boots, lined raincoat, long underwear and windproof fleece online and have it arrive pronto. So, be prepared for unexpected needs but let your college student lead. Because of this episode, my advice carries much more weight these days.

College Survival Lesson 9: Wait until January to get a realistic appraisal about the student’s choice of school. The first semester was rough for our son and many of his friends.  Roommate problems topped the list of super stress inducers. Resist the urge to intervene unless the situation is potentially dangerous. Give your student space to deal with the issue. A five star book with great tips for dealing with the roommate from hell is My Roommate Is Driving Me Crazy

This year our son is rooming with several of his friends who share is interests and values so he shouldn’t experience the issues he had with last year’s roommate. I think he’s going to have a great school year. We are looking forward to hearing about it when he is home after the semester ends.

© 2008 CK Wilde. All Rights Reserved. Please feel free to link to this post but you must have prior written permission to reproduce this post either whole or in part. Please use the comments to request permission.

By CK Wilde for 3GenFamily Blog

Ripe cherries on the tree in our backyard were a reason to celebrate when I was a child. It meant that school vacation was only about a week away (mid-June).  Mom would be baking pies and canning what we could not eat right away to enjoy for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

When I was about 11 or 12 years old, Dad enlisted me to be his helper as he plucked the juicy cherries from the tree that nudged up against the back corner of the house.  My grandfather, who lived next door,  was convinced that one should pick fruit while standing firmly on the ground and lent us his long pole with a claw-like basket at the tip.

But, my Dad liked to get close to the action so he could fill buckets at a time without bruising the fruit. Carefully positioning a sturdy ladder, my father climbed up on the roof of our house to reach into the tree.  After clearing the low hanging fruit, Dad decided to climb higher into the tree.

So he would not have to leave his perch to empty the buckets, I became his “runner”  traveling  up and down the ladder to empty each filled bucket. Quickly, the pails on the ground were filing up as the tree had fewer and fewer cherries to pick. And I was relishing every minute of my job as his helper.

Up the ladder with an empty bucket. Down the ladder with a bucket of cherries. Empty the cherries into the big pail and climb the ladder again.

Then, My Mother Came Outside

She saw me scrambling up and down the ladder. From the shocked look on her face, I thought she was going to faint!

“Hi, Mom, I’m helping Dad with the cherries,” I chirped cheerfully.

“Young ladies don’t run up and down ladders!” she scolded, emphasizing the word “ladies” as she watched me climb down for the last time.  Even though it was the 1960’s,  Mom had NOT caught the fervor for Women’s Lib.

Fortunately, we had just finished. All of the ripe cherries had been plucked from the tree and sat waiting in the pails on the ground.

Fast Forward to the Summer of 2005 . . .

Dad is again picking dark, luscious cherries and I’m helping him. Only this time we’re in the supermarket scooping them into plastic bags. I’ve come to help my father get ready to move to a retirement community.  Fresh cherries were on special.  They looked too good to resist.

When we get back to his house, he measures out enough cherries for both of us into a large plastic bowl and washes them in the kitchen sink. Then, he divides the cherries into two bowls which he places on the kitchen table.

Taking a summer afternoon break to savor those plump, juicy morsels allows us to connect to earlier times. Father and daughter share a happy moment and remember summers past.

Dad, who worked at local farms to earn money for school, seemed to know that eating cherries is a healthy habit. He claimed that his fruit eating kept him regular. I didn’t correlate his cherry eating with relief from his arthritis until my husband suffered a gout attack shortly after I returned home.

Cherries for Relieving Pain of Gout

The painful joints (especially the big toe) associated with gout are caused by sharp uric acid crystals that settle in the joints. Uric acid is a natural by-product of protein (purines) metabolism. Uric acid is normally broken down into harmless substances by enzymes in the body.

Some individuals have limited ability to break down the uric acid, so it accumulates in their joints, especially the feet if the person is not very active. Elevated blood uric acid levels over a prolonged period of time may also signal cardiovascular problems. So, in addition to relieving pain, lowering uric acid in the body can help your heart, lungs and kidneys.

The drug that doctors typically prescribe for gout has some potentially serious side effects. Long term use is not a good idea. Healthier habits can keep gout under control. The gout sufferer needs to eat less of foods that are high in purines, drink more water to dilute uric acid and flush it out through the kidneys. Getting more exercise improves circulation to move uric acid out of the joints faster.

But, sometimes a person can get off of his routine. Drinking less water over a period of several weeks had shifted the delicate balance. There was my husband cradling his foot, rubbing his swollen and inflamed big left toe.

I consulted my favorite reference book, Prescription for Nutritional Healing, 4th Edition. It mentioned eating cherries and drinking cherry juice to reduce pain and get the body back in balance as a well known folk remedy.

Cherries have a low glycemic index so eating them doesn’t skyrocket your blood sugar and leave you hungrier later.  This is very important for a diabetic like my father. It is also the key to keeping weight under control even if you are not a diabetic.

Fresh cherries are in season throughout the summer in the US. Bottled cherry juice and dried cherries are available all year round.  I bought both fresh cherries and bottled juice for my husband to try.

Within a few hours of eating cherries, my husband’s pain started to disappear. After two days, he was able to resume walking for exercise. And after a week, he was back to normal. And, his positive results are not unique.

Research Proves Cherries Help You Heal

US Agricultural Research Service Western Human Nutrition Research Center in Davis, California conducted a study that confirmed that eating cherries does lower the amount of uric acid in the blood in healthy adults. The results from this study were published in the Journal of Nutrition in 2003.

A follow up study published in 2006 by the US Agricultural Research Service demonstrated a 25% drop in the levels of C-reactive protein in healthy adults who included 280 grams (a bit more than a half pound) of cherries in their diets for 28 days.  C-reactive protein is an indicator of inflammation anywhere in the body, not just gout.

So,  the evidence suggests that eating fresh cherries is good for anyone who might have inflammation (including infections, other inflammatory conditions, insulin resistance, obesity, certain medications and chronic allergies) not just gout sufferers.

Doctors have been recommending  for years that adults take aspirin daily to reduce the inflammation related to cardiovascular problems. But,  while aspirin definitely relieves inflammation, long term use can erode the stomach lining leading to ulcers. Anyone with a history of stomach ulcers like my Dad should not take aspirin long term.

Cherries can be added to anyone’s diet on a long term basis. It’s important, though, to continue to eat a variety of foods not just cherries because some people can have allergic reactions to cherries. And, if you are allergic to almonds or tree pollen, you may also be sensitive to cherries. Rotating a variety foods in your meals is a good way to avoid triggering an allergic response.

The best part of eating cherries for better health is that they taste so delicious! It is easy to get children interested in eating  them.  And, that’s good because the tendency for gout often runs in families.  Our youngest son developed symptoms in middle school when he cut back on drinking water during the school day. He was trying to avoid having to take a bathroom break during class time.

When we discussed his symptoms with his doctor, the doctor pointed out that problems with gout often run in families.  Our son began drinking cherry juice every day in addition to drinking more water during the day (and timing his bathroom breaks better). His problem cleared up and has not returned.

Now our entire family drinks cherry juice and eats fresh cherries when they are in season. You just might want to try it, too!

By JimG for 3GenFamily Blog

Aging parents often say “I don’t want to burden my children”.  But, the truth is that many sons and daughters will need to bear some burden if their parents are to maintain a dignified life as they weaken with age.  For some families, the burden will be relatively light and manageable, especially with advanced planning.

For others, even for those gifted with foresight, the load will require appreciable changes in life, i.e., sacrifice.   In modern-day America, we would like to think that the dramatic choice between caring sufficiently for our aging parents and pursuing our own most important goals and objectives in life can always be avoided.  In my opinion, it is not always possible.

Many people in this situation make the noble choice and compromise their own family life, career development, financial security, leisure pursuits, and overall “quality of life” for their parents.  In the end, they get to attend a funeral and are left with a lonely, empty feeling.  They’ve probably not been giving their friends as much attention as in earlier times, and thus may not have as much support available once the end finally comes.

Wanted: Stories that Affirm Caregiving as Worthwhile

Hopefully, they know that they did the right thing, that they upheld the most basic notions of common decency and societal virtue.  But American culture does not offer them much support and affirmation for that.

I can’t think of any movies or songs or stories that celebrate those who gave away something of themselves to repay their parents for the gift of life.  The more prevalent assumption seems to be that such people should have gotten better financial advice or that they did what they did because of an unhealthy psychological dependency.

Instead, I suggest that we turn to the ancient Greeks for some advice, given their great interest in truth and wisdom.  I’m not a trained Greek scholar, but I know of one story that might apply here.  It is the tale of Cleobis and Biton, as narrated by Solon in the writings of Herodotus and centuries later by Plutarch.

In a nutshell, Cleobis and Biton were two young men who lived with their mother on a farm in Argos, probably a fairly well-off rural estate.  Their mother was a patron in good standing at the Temple of Hera, where services and sacrifices were held in honor of the goddess Hera.

To maintain such good standing, it was important to attend the major ceremonies on a regular basis and to arrive punctually.  On the day of a festival for the goddess, it was time to hitch the oxen up to the cart that would transport mother over the six miles of roadway that led to the Temple.

However, the oxen were somewhere in the lower forty still plowing.  It was clear that mother wasn’t going to make it in time, and was going to lose some points with the high priest or priestess for showing up late (or not at all).

So Cleobis and Biton stepped up and decided that they would latch themselves up to the cart and pull their mom over the bumpy roads to Hera’s Temple. (So much for their pleasant evening sipping wine and watching the sun set from the back porch.)

After a hot and dusty trip, Cleobis and Biton got mom and cart up to the Temple gate in time for the torch procession or however they began a pagan temple service.  In their exhaustion, the two sons decided to find a quiet spot somewhere in the Temple, and both soon fell asleep.

As the service progressed, mom invoked the goddess in honor of her two wonderful sons — that they die the happiest of men.  Well, this IS an ancient Greek story, so you know there’s an ironic twist involved.  And here it comes.  After the service was over, mom went to find her two sons and discovered their lifeless bodies.  They never woke up from their slumbers.  A terrible tragedy.

Rich as Croesus

BUT, on finishing this story, Solon points out to King Croesus that despite the King’s great wealth and his fabulous success in life, he was NOT the happiest of men.  The happiest of men were Cleobis and Biton (and also Tellus, another humble man who died honorably enough to be recalled by Solon).  Their mother’s wish was granted.

Although their grimy, sweaty exhaustion followed by unforeseen death sounds anything but happy, the ancient Greeks did not measure ‘happiness’ simply by the internal sense of personal satisfaction and fulfillment.  They used a more ethereal standard, appealing to the ideals of virtue.

According to the Greeks, Cleobis and Biton were heros and should be emulated (although their mother obviously should have pondered the maxim ‘be careful what you wish for’).  They were not poor chumps who got a bad hand because of their own neurotic dependencies and lack of foresight (e.g., they should have thought to send a house servant out to call the oxen back in from the fields a few hours before the service).

The ancient Greeks could indeed be a bit over-dramatic in making their point.  I’m not suggesting that a person should be willing to die in the service of dependent parents.  In fact, it’s extremely important to take care of yourself while under the stress of parental support.

Honoring Your Parents

But the fact remains that the truest of true happiness doesn’t always SEEM very happy, in the modern sense.   Taking care of a dependent parent, whether on the front line, or even in a support role, can be a drag.  It DOES sometimes take away some of your own life opportunities and choices.

And there isn’t always a wide assortment of people around who want to support you during your months or years of trial.  After you miss four or five New Year’s Eve parties, you may not be getting as many phone calls.  Your situation is just not fashionable.

But if it was good enough for the people who gave us Plato and Socrates and Aristotle, perhaps it should be well considered by us moderns too.  Just as America learned to ’support our troops’ after the disregard which they unjustly received during the Vietnam years, perhaps we also need to better support those on the front lines of parental caregiving.

Virtue is its own reward, as Herodotus and Plutarch implied.  But public acknowledgment of such virtue is also a good thing, as the ancient Greeks also realized.

JimG offers his thoughts about the Greeks, true virtue and caring for parents in this special guest blog for 3GenFamily. You can read more about him and his writing at www.eternalstudent.com.

© 2008 JimG All Rights Reserved.

By CK Wilde for 3GenFamily Blog.

I came across an old photo of my Mom the other day.

She is standing on the lush lawn in front of my sister’s home, her right arm folded primly across her body.  Hanging from her arm is her trusty handbag. If you have every seen pictures of Queen Elizabeth II of the UK on an outing, you have seen the formal handbag pose.

Mom’s handbag was a treasure trove of necessities for the modern woman — and for my Dad. You see, whenever they went out of errands together, Mom carried the money, bankbooks, receipts, you name it, and Dad’s reading glasses.  He never lost a pair when she was guarding them.

After she died, he resorted to carrying his glasses with case in his shirt pocket. That worked most of the time.  He was fortunate that bank employees and medical receptionists would recognize his glass case on the counter or desk and help him remember to put them in his pocket before leaving.

A Service That Returns Your Glasses

You may already be aware that a quality pair of eyeglasses can cost $300 - $400. Even if you are not on a tight budget, losing your glasses can prevent you from going about your daily business. If you can’t drive without them, how do you get to the doctor for a replacement?

The perfect solution has finally arrived — Eyeglass Rescue!

You attach the tags to the glasses and register your contact information either online or by phone.  That’s it!

When someone finds your glasses, she or he can call the toll free phone number for Eyeglass Rescue to report finding them. Eyeglass Rescue will help the finder return your glasses to you.

Eyeglass Rescue received its first patent in 2004. Since then, the company reports that it has over 25,000 subscribers and has returned more than 4,000 pairs of glasses to their owners.

And, good deeds get rewarded. Eyeglass Rescue sends the finder a thank-you package of merchandise.

You can order tags for your eyeglasses directly from Eyeglass Rescue’s secure order page on their web site (www.eyeglassrescue.com) or from Walgreens.com and CVS.com.

While you are at it, maybe you want to order a tag for your glasses. There are even special color tags for your child’s glasses.  It’s a great solution for everyone in your family, including elderly parents.

© 2008 CK Wilde. All Rights Reserved. Please feel free to link to this post but you must have prior written permission to reproduce this post either whole or in part. Please use the comments to request permission.

By CK Wilde for 3GenFamily Blog

Mothering Mother: A Daughter’s Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir

* * * * *

“Are you coming to bed, hon?” whispered my sleepy husband.

“In a minute . . . this is such a good book!” I said as  I glanced up.

From the first paragraph, Carol O’Dell’s book, Mothering Mother, had me spellbound. I just could not put this book down.

Sleep is my most precious commodity. It is rare for me to stretch the time before I turn out the lights. Yet, this engrossing story made me willingly break my own rule.

Most resources about caregiving focus on cold, factual advice to the reader. While how-to books can be very helpful, they don’t deliver an insider view of the physical and emotional impact of caring for someone daily for an extended period of time.

Mothering Mother propels you into O’Dell’s non-stop whirl of caring for a parent with Parkinson’s disease while caring for teenage daughters with their own needs and trying to sustain her relationship with her husband. Oh, she is also working to keep her sanity.

Alzheimer’s, Too

Through twists and turns in all of their lives, I found myself laughing out loud at some of the crazy-making outbursts from O’Dell’s mother, Noveline. But, I wasn’t laughing at O’Dell or her mother. I was laughing because my Dad or another elder said something  totally off the wall just like it.

Then, it hit me. At this point in the story, Noveline has symptoms of Alzheimer’s disease in addition to Parkinson’s, but O’Dell doesn’t know what it is yet. I remember being baffled by things my Dad said. I remember my frustration with Dad’s paranoia and his unwarranted fears.

Dancing As Fast As She Can

Carol O’Dell is startlingly honest in describing her hectic life, her thoughts and her feelings - amused, angry, stressed, exasperated, determined, perplexed, overwhelmed and inspired by events as they occur. If you have never dealt on a daily basis with a baby’s dirty diapers or tried to lift a grown adult who has no strength, some of her descriptions may shock you.

Like most caregivers for aging parents, O’Dell didn’t take classes in geriatric nursing. She’s learning “on the job.” Insurance won’t cover nursing care in the home. Medicare only covers it for a short time after a hospitalization. Hospice help only arrives at the end, long after O’Dell has won the major battles.

Mothering Mother: A Daughter’s Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir is an important book for caregivers and other family members to read.  Certainly, Carol O’Dell’s experience is her own. Yet, the book describes common issues that anyone caring for a parent, or considering it, needs to think carefully about.

Thank you, Carol O’Dell, for sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings with us! This book rates five stars.

Mothering Mother: A Daughter’s Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir

© 2008 CK Wilde. All Rights Reserved. Please feel free to link to this post but you must have prior written permission to reproduce this post either whole or in part. Please use the comments to request permission.

By CK Wilde for 3GenFamily Blog.

Congratulations, graduates and parents!

You have successfully navigated the sometimes stormy waters of K through 12 schooling to reach that long hoped for goal — High School Graduation Day. And, you have been accepted to a fine college. Now, you need to start buying those key personal tools that a Freshman will need for success in college.

At the top of every new college student’s list is a sleek, new desktop computer or laptop. After a cell phone (and perhaps a beloved mp3 player), the computer is one of a college student’s most coveted pieces of gear.

Which Kind To Buy - Desktop or Laptop?

Unfortunately, there is no “one size fits all” computer. For some students, a laptop is a necessity. For others, the desktop is better.

Answering these questions can help you make a decision:

1) What do the college and current students say about computers?

Every college wants their students to succeed. Every campus has some public use computers. Those that have too few public use computers to accommodate every student at peak times will recommend that you bring a computer to campus.

If you didn’t ask when you were touring the campus, email your college to ask how students use computers on campus. Do most students bring a laptop? Does the campus offer wireless connections throughout or just in certain areas? Do students collaborate online regularly as part of classes? Do most of the classrooms accommodate laptops with sufficient desk space, electrical outlets and wired or wireless connections?

If most course materials are online, email is the primary mode of communication and everyone works together using wikis rather than whiteboards or paper notebooks, a laptop is the way to go.

If computer use is mostly for online research, or the student needs lots of computing power for graphics design, video gaming, computer programming or high level science and math, a desktop will offer the best value and be easier to expand as needed.

2) How does the student study right now?

Writing notes by hand in a spiral notebook is not the same as keying notes in a word processor on a laptop. Educators agree that many students perform better when they write drafts and edit essays by hand. It allows for total focus on the subject without interruption of email, social networking, blogs or videos.

Where does the student prefer to study — in the dorm room or somewhere else on campus? It is difficult to lug around a desktop to a quiet spot at the library or even just to the lounge when your roommate has invited all of his friends to watch South Park in your room.

Our college freshman discovered this past year that he really preferred to take notes by hand in a paper notebook. Most of the desks in his classrooms were too small to fit his big, shiny, new laptop. It was awkward trying to take notes while the laptop teetered on the edge of the desk.

Being an avid video gamer, our son chose one of the highest performing laptops that HP offered on its website. Shiny, black with a wide, high resolution screen, it was perfect for video games but heavy to carry as he walked around campus with his extra large backpack.

After running to class through a downpour on a typical New England autumn day, our son shockingly discovered that his expensive laptop backpack wasn’t totally waterproof! Even though the computer did not get directly splashed, moisture seeped into the laptop slowly changing irregular patches of pixels on the screen from bright white to leaden gray.

This is one of the major downsides of carrying a laptop–they are more easily damaged in day to day activities. Ruggedized laptops exist but are out of the reach budget-wise of most college students.

Fortunately, our son had purchased the extended warranty so he was able to get the laptop repaired by the manufacturer. His extended warranty saved the day. If you have the option to purchase an extended warranty with repairs for “accidents” by all means get it.

While the computer was at the factory, our college freshman discovered that there were plenty of computers on campus to get his work done. But, he was forced to leave his room every time he needed to use the computer.

Not so much fun during the winter.

The Computer He Would Have Chosen

Knowing what he knows now, our son would have purchased a blazing fast desktop rather than a high performance laptop. And, he would continue to take notes in class with a paper notebook — easy to do on those small student desks.

He has seen a few of the new ullra-small computers, like the Asus Eee PC, traveling with their owners around campus. This seems like the ideal note taking laptop for the always connected student whose budget will allow buying both a desktop and a laptop.

Mac or PC or Linux?

Despite Apple’s cute commercials featuring John Hodgeman (The Daily Show) singing the blues with a lovable hound dog yowling in the background, the PC running Microsoft’s operating system is not disappearing from the face of the earth. Which to choose is a matter of familiarity (which have you used before) and price. Macs often cost more than equivalent PCs. For example, an HP Pavillion dv6700t costs around $1200 while a comparably equipped Apple MacBook Pro 15 inch is $2050.

Macs get viruses (albeit fewer of them) just like PCs so whichever you choose you need to protect your computer from them. Even Linux computers come with anti-virus software because it is the realistic and prudent thing to do. You can help keep your PC trouble free with Windows Live OneCare.

Macs have always been “cool”, but PCs are catching up on style. Linux computers are rapidly emerging from experimental to mainstream.

The tiny Asus Eee PC has been selling like hotcakes since it was introduced last year. Last week, our high school freshman bought one with money he had saved up. He got the Eee PC 900 running Linux. It came with a complete desktop suite just like you would expect on a Mac or PC for a price that’s as small as the Eee PC itself.

Out of the box, it was ready for basic work. The screen was a reasonable size for Internet browsing or writing an English essay. My high schooler’s slender fingers have no trouble with the small keyboard. He tells me that someone who is Linux savvy can find almost every kind of software for a Linux computer online but it takes a bit of experience to get a really satisfactory result. So a Linux computer may not be the perfect choice for someone who is shy about technology.

Before you venture on the Internet or to the electronics store, spend some time figuring out how and where the new college student will study and what the technology culture is like at the school. You will get a better idea of what kind of computer you need before you get to specific models.

For more help on choosing a particular desktop or laptop, CNET has comprehensive reviews to help choose a particular machine.

© 2008 CK Wilde. All Rights Reserved. Please feel free to link to this post but you must have prior written permission to reproduce this post either whole or in part. Please use the comments to request permission.

By CK Wilde for 3GenFamily Blog

http://www.pbs.org/caringforyourparents

I received an email from my cousin about the PBS documentary, Caring for Your Parents, a few days after it aired on April 2, 2008. He wanted to know if I was going to talk about it here. He thought it was a dynamite show.

I missed it the first time it aired. Fortunately, the entire show is available at the PBS website. So I was able to watch it today.

Wow!

The Caring for Your Parents website has divided the show into small sections. I was only going to sample a few sections to get a sense of what the show was about. That turned out to be nearly impossible. I had to watch the entire show.

The show’s producer, writer and director, Michael Kirk tread a fine line between respecting the private aspects of each of these five families from Rhode Island while having them describe the unvarnished truth of their lives as caregivers for their aging parents. We follow them over the course of a year. From well-to-do to working class, each family is coping with their parents evolving lives. Several of these families were dealing with parents with dementia.

It’s funny how we sometimes think our own situation is different or unique. I was struck by how eerily similar many of the conversations between adult child and parent and health care provider were to my conversations with my father.

Early in the show, one of the parents was being reminded by his doctor that he needed to give up driving a car because his memory has started to fail. The conversation was so similar to ones I had with my Dad that I was stunned!

The families and situations were varied but the major themes were the same as those I had encountered. Here are a few highlights:

1. Many of our parents believe in being self-sufficient. They will not mention problems they are having because they don’t want to be a burden. So, it is important to have conversations about finances and medical care and to continue having conversations as your parents’ health changes. Their choices and decisions and wishes need to be written down. It’s not one conversation–it’s many over time.

2. Your interactions with your adult siblings regarding your parents will mirror the interactions you had when you were younger. If your fought as kids, you will likely fight about your parents’ wellbeing. You can break out of the old pattern. You need to toss your expectations away about what your siblings ought to be doing. Inter-family anger is likely when one sibling does all the caregiving. It needs to be dealt with in a positive way.

3. The family members providing care often deal with highly technical medical information in order to provide a parent with informed care. It practically takes a Masters degree to deliver medication, understand what the issues are, speak for the patient when she/he can speak for themselves and make the excruciating decision on when to stop a treatment that isn’t working.

4. All of this work takes a huge toll on the caregiver whose health may be in jeopardy from the stress and self-denial. Of the five families, the caregivers who took time to take care of themselves fared significantly better than those that didn’t.

Director, Michael Kirk, tries to end on an upbeat note by talking about “Transformative Moments”. My own experience bears out that there are often funny, happy and special moments shared with your parents as you care for them. The more you focus on those moments of joy the easier it is to get through the difficult moments.

Caring for Your Parents forces us to confront the idyllic myth that we and our parents may have of their independently living out their days in happy retirement until their “time is up.” Our elders are living longer, often in poorer health. They need more and more of our help as time goes on.

This documentary is a real eye opener. Please do watch it.

It is available for viewing on the PBS website and the DVD is available for purchase.

Caring for Your Parents

© 2008 CK Wilde. All Rights Reserved. Please feel free to link to this post but you must have prior written permission to reproduce this post either whole or in part. Please use the comments to request permission.